"This week a 100-year-old Tennessee man got married for the third time; this time to a 68-year-old woman. would love a sandwich. '"
– Amy Poehler, of Weekend Update, on Saturday Night Live
"I really believe in infrastructure spending … I amortize my shoes over 20 years."
– Canada's BC Provincial Finance Minister Carole Taylor explaining why she wore $ 600 new Gucci shoes when introducing the annual budget.
"We wanted to keep him off the bases."
– manager Charlie Manuel (Phillies) explains Jose Reyes' (Mets) three home runs in one game.
Q: "You're the player. We like to hear it from the horse's mouth." A: (Roddick): "Go buy a horse."
"Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all!"
– Rep. Charlie Rangel, after being asked his opinion of President George W. Bush
"I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level."
– Bode Miller, the US Olympic skier who went zero for five on Olympic gold.
"Should I go and get a ruler?"
– LOST ''s Kate [Evangeline Lilly], editorizes about a testosterone contest between Jack [Matthew Fox] and Sawyer [Josh Holloway].
"My No. 1 goal is to not go to jail."
– Congresswoman-elect Michele Bachmann (R, MN)
"If you are not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin."
– Representative Katherine Harris (R, FL)
"Paddy was in the wrong place at the wrong time;
– Neil Warnock discusses (Sheffield United goalkeeper) Paddy Kenny's biting loss of one eyebrow in a restaurant.
"I have noticed a marked difference in the way that people respond to me when I am wearing my colors."
– testimony of Hells Angels member Ricky Ciarniello in a legan action against an Ontario, Canada court decision that the Angels institute a criminal organization, saying this unexpectedly exposing him to fear, loathing and ridicule. The ruling stood. (The original Canadian spelling of "colors" here is not a mistake – or at least, a very old one by now.)
"Drowning has always been my biggest fear."
– Janina Peters, lifeguard.
"Russian women are not very good for figure skating. They are good for building rail tracks in Siberia, for example."
– Alexei Mishin, champion Evgeni Plushenko's coach.
"I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing."
– Madonna justifies including mock crucifixion in her stage performances.
"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy: which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."
– Jay Leno
Tennis star Roddick about playing the retiring Agassi: Q: "Do you feel relief that [it] is not going to happen?" A: (Roddick): "Obviously you want to play against your idols, but then again you do not want to be the guy who shot Bambi."
"A big-city feel, but redneck-friendly."
– tourism slogan suggested by President Tim Newman of the Regional Visitors Authority of Charlotte, NC, US
"He scares our German shepherd to death when we are at home; so we come here."
– Sue Mihalyi, explaining why she and her husband Mark watch Steeler games at a local Pittsburgh restaurant. The Steelers won the Superbowl in 2006 without her rug suffering.
"Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, so for the first year you are only a curiosity. As the years go by you will become an amusement-park ride." Then, a referendum. And finally, a bank. "
– Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood, Esquire magazine
"[African-American Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele has made] a career of slavishly supporting the Republican Party."
– Steny Hoyer, (D, MD)
"Keep away from the Australian women or else you will end up in prisons."
– advice to his athletes from the Ugandan sports director
"She's pretty aggressive in our cars. Especially if you catch her at the right time of the month; she might be trading plenty of paint out there."
– Ed Carpenter, IRL racing driver describes Danica Patrick.
"I'm glad he's showing some personality."
– Danica Patrick about Ed Carpenter, later that same day.
Madonna about her rep for being difficult: "What's the difference between a pop star and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist."
"I told the producers I'd give my left nut to host this thing."
– Lance Armstrong, opening the 2006 ESPY Awards
"Activities which are not compatible with western standards."
– ABC news being politically correct while describing Hamas suicide bombings.
"He a very wise man and very strong – despite perhaps not so strong as his father Barbara."
– Borat describes the President
"I do not support our troops …. When you volunteer for the US military, you pretty much know you're not going to be fending off invasions from Mexico and Canada."
– Joel Stein, Los Angeles Times columnist
"I said a little prayer before I actually did the fingerprint thing, and the picture; and my prayer was basically, 'Let people see Christ through me, and let me smile.'"
– (Former Republican House Majority Leader) Tom DeLay gets his mug shot.
"Something else I've learned about Secretary Rice is she loves the cool Atlantic breezes here in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night."
– Canada's Conservative Foreign Minister Peter MacKay, amidst rumors that the two had a little something goin 'on.
"When you're inviting people, you do not have to tell them this is a cold place."
– Canada's BC Premier Gordon Campbell, trying to tone down 2010 Olympic promotions.
"Of course, some of it could be cops just watching the game and not responding."
– Geoffrey Alpert, University of South Carolina criminologist, about (his) research showing a decline in crimes during the Super Bowl.
"We ship to all correctional institutions."
– A US bookstore sign, in the age of the Internet.
"The public does not have a right to know anything."
– RCMP spokesperson Staff Sargent John Ward responds to reporters' queries about Ian Bush's death in custody.
Q: "How different was it holding up that plate today than in Australia?" "It's a different trophy.
"Thanks to all the perverts who voted for me."
– Jessica Alba, accepting MTV's award for the Sexiest Performance in a Movie (Sin City.)
"For some people, playing a bipolar nymphomaniac may have been a challenge, but for me, I think I just played myself."
– Isla Fisher, accepting MTV's award for the year's Breakthrough Performance (Wedding Crashers.)
"The publication of these cartoons will cause the world to tremble. Fire will be through the world if they do not stop."
– English Islamic leader Dr Azam Tamimi
"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d!"
– tee shirt
"I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal and I prefer to keep it that way."
– Paul McCartney (early in the divorce.)
"We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together."
– Homer to Marge, re marriage counseling, on The Simpsons
"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it: on FOX News he said the fault was his; he can not blame anyone else. holding a smoking gun. "
– Bill Maher
"Any important Republican who comes out and says they did not know me is almost certainly lying."
– convoked lobbyist Jack Abramoff
"It's hard to forget the day you give up your Independence."
– Greg Zamlule, a US citizen, explains why he chose to get married on July 4, the same day he entered a 5k race.
"There's always the chance that he'll just keep on running."
– his fiance, Leslie Evans.
"We want to make it clear that if the Pope does not appear on TV and apologize for his comments we will blow up all of Gaza's churches."
– a reply from the Sword of Islam terrorists, harassed by the Pope's speech which appeared to associate Islam and violence centuries ago.
"You can always get new teeth."
– Teemu Selanne, a Finnish hockey player who sacrificed three whites during a quarterfinal with the US.
"McDreamy is doing the McNasty with McHottie? That McBastard!"
– George on Gray's Anatomy
"It's just basketball. They're not the Big Bad Wolf and we're not the Three Little Pigs. We're all grown men."
– Cavaliers forward LeBron James, re Detroit
"Here we have an organization supposedly dedicated to preventing cruelty actually inflating cruelty to an animal to raise money to supposedly prevent cruelty to animals."
– Paul Watson, founder of the Sea Shepherd Society on the Prince Rupert, BC, Canada's SPCA's plan to host a crab boil as a fund-raiser for the animal Shelter.
"In the West Bank a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism firebombed four churches, telling the Associated Press, 'The attacks … were carried out to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence.' The irony – and this is often the case, we find – was completely lost on them. "
– The Daily Show's Jon Stewart
"Yeah, he looked sorry when he was out there doing donuts."
– Matt Kenseth Declines an apology from Jeff Gordon, who bumped Kenseth out of the way on the Chicagoland Speedway.
"Years ago, you used to get out and fight and run around and chase each other with a jackhammer and stuff like that. Those were the good old days."
– Dale Earnhardt Jr., on track etiquette in the days before NASCAR's sponsors began to fuss about driver conduct.
"You'd like it." Puppies get killed. "
– The LOST character Sawyer [Josh Holloway] summarizes "Of Mice and Men" for Henry Gale [Michael Emerson] (a killer-of-bunnies.)
"After 45 years of this crap I've just started to enjoy it."
– Pete Townshend, the WHO summarizes a career.
"Football's a difficult business; and are not they prima donnas?"
– Queen Elizabeth II
And that's the FunnyPoetry.com funny quote summary for 2006 – the year that Britain finally paid back the last of the money it borrowed from the US and Canada during WW II, according to CNN. And why did that take so long? The interest rate was 2%, that's why. (By the way, Britain's WW I debts were never fully repaid.) On to 2007, which looks ripe to produce many more fine quotes: if for no other reason than 25% of Americans expect the return of Jesus in the coming year according to an Associated Press-AOL News poll.